2

A young executive is leaving the office late one evening when he finds the CEO standing in front of the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," says the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," says the young executive. He turns the machine on, puts the paper in, and hits the start button.

"Thanks," says the CEO as his paper disappears inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

  4

A union boss at a convention in Las Vegas decides to visit a local brothel. He asks the madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she says.

"Well, if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mighty offended by such unfair dealings, the man stomps off in search of a more equitable shop.

Finally, he reaches a brothel where the madam says, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks.

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man says. He looks around the room and points to a gorgeous young redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir, but . . . " says the madam, gesturing at a 70-year-old woman in the corner, "Ethel here has seniority."

  6

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now." -- Rodney Dangerfield

  8

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily. "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey, how'd all this get fixed?"

She replied, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."

The husband responded, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Helloooo . . . Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

  10

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

  12

This is from a newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate 'Deep Thoughts' by Jack Handy, a former Saturday Night Live skit:

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry, because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? - Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. - Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the President's birthday, like they do for the Queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. - Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. - Age 10

Home is where the house is. - Age 6

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. - Age 13

For centuries people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens when you leave it out. - Age 6

  14

Q: Why do men float better than women?

A: Because they're scum.

  16

Three nuns on a train had been talking for some time when they decided to pass the time by telling each other what their greatest sins were. The first nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and become a prostitute. Of course I put all the money I earn in the poor box but that is my greatest sin." The second nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money out of the poor box and drink for one consecutive week." The third nun was sitting there being very quite. The other nuns say, "Come now, we told you our worst sins, what is yours." The third nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is that I am a gossip -- and I can't wait to get off this train."

  18

A man asks the only other guy in the bar if he can buy him a drink. "Of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks him, "Where are you from?"

"Ireland," replies the second.

"I'm from Ireland, too! Let's have another round, to Ireland."

"Cheers!" replies the other, and they both toss back their drinks.

The first man asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it!" says the first man. "I'm from Dublin, too! Let's have another drink, to Dublin!

Then the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"

"St. Mary's," replies the second. "I graduated in '65."

"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and graduated in '65, too!"

About this time another man sits down at the bar. "What's going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Not much," he replies. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

  20

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice in his head, which tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.

But the next day, the same thing happens: The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Again the man ignores the voice, but he's becoming increasingly upset, and the third time he hears the voice, he succumbs to the pressure. He quits his job, sells his house, takes his money, and heads to Las Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's."

He hops in a cab and rushes over to the casino, where the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."

The man does as he is told.

When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man cashes in all his money for chips and then puts them on 17.

"Now watch," says the voice.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.

Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.

The voice says, "Shit!"

  22

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

  24

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gave each woman a present of $5,000 and watched to see what they did with the money.

The first got a total makeover. She went to a fancy beauty salon, had her hair done, got new makeup; bought several new outfits and dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she did this to be more attractive for him because she loved him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second went shopping to buy the man gifts. She got him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she spent all the money on him because she loved him so much.

Again, the man was impressed.

The third invested the money in the stock market. She earned several times the $5,000. She gave him back his $5,000 and reinvested the remainder in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loved him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

  26

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It is obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she is immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There are small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

Although she finds it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, she is quite impressed by his sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss.

The passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy, passionate love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

  28

A teacher gave her class of 11-year-olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken."

"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the fuck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."

  30

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. 'I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car.'

  32

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

  34

Toward the end of the church service, the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

About 80% held up their hands.

The minister spoke of the power of forgiveness and then repeated the question. All responded by raising their hands except one small, elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" the minister asked.

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is indeed unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Mrs. Jones, would you come down front and tell the congregation how a person can live for ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, smiled sweetly and said, "I outlived the bitches!"

  36

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

  38

President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit an Episcopal Church outside Washington as part of his campaign to restore his poll standings.

Bush's campaign manager made a visit to the Bishop, and said to him "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity because of the president's position on stem cell research, the Iraq war, Katrina, torture, wiretapping and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if, during your sermon, you'd say the President is a saint."

The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, "The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it."

Bush showed up for the sermon and the Bishop began: "I'd like to speak to you all this morning about our President. George W. Bush is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and manipulate the American people.

"He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil and money, causing the deaths of tens of thousands and making the United States the most hated country on earth.

"He appointed cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to widespread death and destruction during Hurricane Katrina. He awarded contracts and tax cuts to his rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this country, and a greater gap between rich and poor, than we've had since the Depression. He instituted illegal wiretaps when getting a warrant from a secret court would have been a mere administrative detail, had his henchmen lie to Congress about it, then claimed he was above the law.

"He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since Teapot Dome. The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6 trillion, gas prices are up 85%, and vital research into global warming and stem cells is stopped cold because he's afraid to lose votes from some religious kooks. He is the worst example of a true Christian I've ever known.

"But compared to Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and Karl Rove, George W. Bush is a saint!"

  40

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, Doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

  42

Seamus has been out drinking and is driving home at two in the morning. He's pulled over by a policeman, who asks, "And why are ye in such a hurry?"

Seamus responds, "I'm going to a lecture."

The officer responds, "And who'll be giving a lecture at this hour of the morning?"

Seamus responds, "My wife."

  44

A man goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde waving at him and saying hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "Do you know me?"

She replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"

She replies, "No. I'm your son's math teacher."

  46

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber gets a $5 bill in one hand and two $1s in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the two dollars and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy next to an ice cream van.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take two bucks instead of the five?"

The boy licked his ice cream cone and replied:

"Because the day I take the five, the game is over."

  48

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my life. I love you." Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

  50

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies, "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

  52

The FBI, DEA and CIA all argue that they are the best law enforcement agency in the world, so to find out once and for all which of them really is they devise a competition.

They release a rabbit into a forest, and whichever agency finds it first will be declared the best.

The FBI goes first. After two weeks of interviewing plants and animals, the FBI concludes that no rabbit has ever existed.

The DEA goes next. After burning down half the forest and defoliating the rest, they also find no rabbit.

The CIA goes last, and after a few moments, agents drag out a badly beaten bear, screaming "Ok, Ok! Yes, I'm a rabbit!"

  54

A rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door.

A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No,sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "is yer Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

  56

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must work in Management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

  58

Q: What's a foot long and slippery?

A: A slipper!

  60

A newly qualified lawyer is prosecuting his first case in court. After he called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman he approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

"You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me.

"He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire city. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge called both solicitors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

  62

Farmer Jim would like to start a pig farm. To get going, he buys ten pigs, only to realize that they're all female. So he calls his friend Farmer Bob, who also has pigs. "Bob, could you round up some male pigs? I'm bringing my sows over." Jim loads up the car, drives to Bob's, lets his pigs loose in the pen, they do their thing. As the pigs are going at it, Jim asks Bob, "How will I know if my pigs are pregnant?"

"You'll know," says Bob, "because they act real strange: they eat grass, for instance, which pigs never do."

Jim thanks Bob, gathers his pigs, hops back in the truck, drives back home, and goes to sleep. The next morning he wakes up and elbows his wife. "Wife," he says, "please look out the window and check on the pigs." His wife obliges. "Are they acting funny?"

"Nope," says the wife. "Perfectly normal."

Jim calls Bob, loads his pigs in the truck, drives them to the pen, and lets them loose. "You're sure, Bob, that they'll change behavior?"

"Oh yes, mighty sure, they'll act quite strange alright." Home the pigs go, and Jim goes back to bed. Again, the next morning, he elbows his wife. Again, the pigs are doing nothing out of the ordinary. Again, he rings Bob, loads up the pigs, lets them loose, brings them home. Again nothing, and he tries a fourth time.

Finally, on the fifth day, his wife looks out the window and says, "Well sure enough they are acting strange."

Jim sits bold upright, excited that his plan has finally worked. "They're eating grass?" he asks.

"Well, no," says his wife, "but they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."

  64

Q: What the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

A: Beer nuts are $1.49, deer nuts are under a buck.

  66

Fella goes duck hunting out in the country, and spends the whole day without seeing a single duck. Finally, as the sun is setting, he spies a single duck flying away from him, and he shoots it down just before it passes out of sight. Excitedly, he runs off into the brush, hops a fence, finds the duck and scoops it up triumphantly.

"Hey there!" calls a voice, "that's my duck!"

The hunter turns to see a very large farmer looming up behind him.

"No it's not, I just shot it!" exclaims the hunter.

"Well, it's on my land, so it's my duck. I reckon we'll have to settle this country-style," the farmer said gravely.

"Country style?"

"Yep. First I kick you in the nuts, and then you kick me in the nuts. And we keep taking turns until someone gives."

The hunter reluctantly agrees, and the farmer takes a dozen steps back, runs up to the hunter and kicks him square in the balls as hard as he can. The hunter crumples to the ground, reeling. Minutes pass, and finally the hunter can muster the strength to stand.

"Okay," croaks the hunter, "My turn."

"Nah, you can have the duck."

  68

A firefighter is working on an engine outside the station, when he notices a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

  70

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was all excited and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

  72

Two boys are playing catch in Washington's Rock Creek Park when one is suddenly attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick and shoves it under the dogs collar, twists it breaking the dog's neck and saving his friend.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident. "Redskins Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Redskins fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in DC I just assumed you were," said the reporter and he starts writing again. "Capitals Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack."

"I'm not a Capitals fan either," the boy said.

"Oh, I assumed everyone in DC was either for the Redskins or the Capitals. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Bastard From Dallas Kills Beloved Family Pet."

  74

On a train to a large computer convention, there were a bunch of computer programmers, and a crowd of computer engineers.

Each of the programmers had a ticket, whilst the engineers only had one ticket between them. The programmers laughed at this, sure that the engineers would get caught out, and kicked off the train.

When one of the engineers, the lookout, called "Here comes the conductor!", all of the engineers leapt up, crowded into the toilet, and locked the door. The programmers sat there looking puzzled.

The conductor came into the carriage, and asked "Tickets please!", and collected the tickets from each of the programmers. On his way to the next carriage, the conductor passed the toilet cubicle and noted that it was locked. He knocked on the door, and asked "Ticket please!". The engineers pushed their ticket under the door, which the conductor collected.

When the conductor had gone, the engineers left the toilet, and returned to their seats. The programmers felt really silly.

On the way back from the convention, the same two groups shared a carriage. This time, the programmers decided to try the engineers method of saving money, and only bought one ticket between them all. However, when the programmers met the engineers, they noticed that they didn't even have the one ticket, so again, they laughed at them.

When the lookout called "Here comes the conductor!", all of the engineers went into one toilet cubicle, and all the programmers crowded into another.

Before the conductor actually came aboard, one of the engineers left their cubicle, knocked on the programmers toilet, and asked "Ticket please!"

  76

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my sisters though."

  78

Man's walking down a country road and comes across a farmer with a three-legged pig. He asks, "Hey, how'd your pig lose a leg?"

The farmer replies, "Well, let me tell you a story. I was workin' under the tractor when the jack slipped, pinning me under. This here pig ran in, re-set the jack, lifted the tractor up and pulled me to safety."

"Wow," the man said. "So, did the pig have his leg crushed by the tractor? How'd he lose his leg?"

"Well," the farmer said, "Let me tell you another story. My daughter was out back swimming in the cement pond when she started to drown. This here pig dove in the pool, pulled her to safety, called 9-1-1 then gave her mouth-to-mouth until the paramedics arrived."

"Really? That's incredible! Did the pig strain himself while swimming? How did he lose his leg?"

"Well, let me tell you another story. My family and I were sound asleep when the house caught on fire. This here pig rushed in, woke us up, drug my youngest to safety then helped man the fire hoses when the fire department got there."

"No kidding? That's amazing! So, was the pig burned in the fire? How the heck did he lose a leg?"

"Well," the farmer drawled, "Great pig like this, you don't eat 'em all at once."

  80

So the Pope goes to America and he's in New York and has to go upstate somewhere so they set him up with this big long limo and as soon as they get outside the city he asks the chauffeur to pull over and says he wants to drive.

So the chauffeur is a little taken aback but, well, it's the Pope so he slides over and the Pope gets in the driver's seat. Well, the Pope likes to drive and he likes to drive fast so he's tooling along at around 90 mph when he hears a siren. So the cop catches up with him and motions him over to the side of the road.

The Pope rolls down his window and says, "Yes, officer?"

Well, it's Officer Murphy and he nearly drops his teeth when he sees who's inside.

"Excuse me, Your Reverence, just a moment," he says.

So he goes back to his patrol car and gets on the phone to the chief.

"You aren't going to believe who I just pulled over," he says.

"Who?" says the chief. "Is it the mayor again?"

"No," says Murphy, "bigger than the mayor."

"What, is it the governor?" says the chief.

"No," Murphy says, "much bigger than the governor."

"Much bigger than the governor?" says the chief.

"Who is it? Sinatra?"

"No, bigger than Sinatra," says Murphy.

"Who can be bigger than Sinatra?" says the chief.

"I don't know," says Murphy, "but he's got the Pope for a chauffeur."

  82

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

  84

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison."

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, he YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!"

  86

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

  88

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

  90

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

  92

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

  94

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean.." she whispers, "... I would do ANYTHING!!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything??"

"Yes, ... anything!" She says.

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"

  96

A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The wife says, "Oh my god! No shit?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

The husband yells back, "It doesn't matter. Just get the hell out!"

  98

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..." The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."

  100

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Sir, did you know there's a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"

The pirate replies, "Arghhh... and it's been driving me nuts."

  102

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be, buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots, and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast, too, if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

  104

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister," the priest answered coolly, "it's caused by loose living. By being with cheap, wicked women. By too much alcohol. And by a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

  106

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."

  108

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to "Dad." With a terrible premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings and tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion... Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card. That's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

  110

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby, so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

After several embarrassing seconds had past, a little old lady seated in the back pew, stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

  112

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No , you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

The husband replies, "I can't believe that." He grabs the family Bible and puts it in front of her. "Show me," he demands.

So she opens the New Testament and showed him where, at the top of several pages, that it indeed says: "HEBREWS."

  114

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."

  116

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

  118

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met."

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16," he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears, thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'"

"I remember that, too," she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

  120

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just for you to know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, depended upon some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

  122

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"

  124

In a country home that seldom had guests, the young son was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, the boy went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest. The boy came in with a second piece of pie and again watched his father give it to a guest.

This was too much for the boy, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

  126

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fire- place? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.

"Well," he began, "I remember back in '44', we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!......' I tell you, I just shit my pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."

The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!'"

  128

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says "OK," and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.

Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, "OK," and goes back to the drug store and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?"

  130

A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me." She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204."

  132

A man was complaining to a friend.

"I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked the friend.

"My wife found out."

  134

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. "We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

The husband then said to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

  136

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

  138

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

  140

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."

The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please."

The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.

The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?"

"Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

  142

A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."

The guy says, "Am I ever! To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident. When I got to work I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. Then to top everything off I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"

The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?"

The guy says, "I said BAD DOG!"

  144

A family checks into a hotel and the father says to the front desk clerk, "I hope the porn is disabled." The desk clerk replies, "It's just regular porn, you sicko."

  146

A man is at the funeral of an old friend. He tentatively approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora." The widow smiles appreciatively. "Thank you," she says. "That means a lot."

Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."

Another man comes up and asks for the same privilege. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Earth." The widow replies, "Thank you, that means the world to me."

Another man comes up and asks if he could say a couple words. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Being alive." The widow replies, "Thank you, he would have liked that."

Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Infinity" . The widow replies, "Thank you, that means more than you could possibly imagine."

  148

A MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

  150

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?" He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes -- meet me in the car park."

  152

A man buys a robot and brings it home to his wife and son.

Son: "What is it?"

Dad: "It's a lie detector robot."

Son: "No way!"

Dad: "It really is. Here goes, why weren't you at school today?"

Son: "I WAS at School!"

The robot slaps the son.

Son: "OK! OK! I snuck out with a friend to watch a movie!"

Dad: "Oh... Which movie was it?"

Son: "...The new one ... "Fast and Furious 12"..."

The robot slaps the son.

Son: "OK! OK! It was a porn movie!"

Dad: "WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT PORN WAS!"

The robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs out loud: "Well, he IS your son..."

The robot slaps the mother.

  154

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment and then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

  156

A blind man goes to Texas. He feels the bus seat in Texas and says, "This seat is huge!"

"Everything's bigger in Texas," the bus driver says. "Have a seat."

So the blind man sits down and the bus arrives at a bar later on. The guy gets off and goes inside. When he sits down, the bartender pours him a glass. The blind man feels it and says, "This glass is humongus."

"Everything is bigger in Texas," the bartender replies.

A few minutes pass and the blind guy is hammered. He asks the bartender where the rest room is.

"It's the third door on your right down that hallway to the left of you," the bartender replies, and the blind man gets up and advances toward the bathroom.

Along the way, he trips over a fan cord and as a result, he oversteps and goes out the fourth door instead. He falls into the club swimming pool, and the whole time he's standing in water up to his chest, he's screaming, "Don't flush! Don't flush! Please, God, no!"

  158

A man was about to enter a bar when he was approached by a nun waving a 'Total abstinence' banner. "Don't go in there," she said, "alcohol is the devil's work." "But I just want one pint, it's been a tough day and I need to unwind." "No you mustn't, no good will come of drinking alcohol."

"Have you ever tried it?" the man asked. "No, certainly not." "Well perhaps you should try it just once. I'll get you a drink and if you don't like it, fine, but at least you'll know what you're talking about." "Well alright," said the nun, "just get me one small drink. What do respectable ladies generally drink?" "How about gin?" the man suggested. The nun thought for a moment, "In that case get me one gin, but put it in a cup so people won't know I'm drinking alcohol."

The man walked into the bar and said to the barman, "A pint of bitter and a small gin please, and can you put the gin in a cup?" "Oh no," said the barman, "is that bloody nun there again?"

  160

Three men are applying for a position as a police detective. They are all being interviewed on the same day.

The chief calls in the first applicant and says, "Before we hire you, you have to pass a little test. I'm going to show you a photograph of a suspect; you tell me something about them based on their photo."

So the chief hands the first applicant a photo. The applicant studies it for a moment, then says, "Easy, the suspect only has one eye!"

The chief, puzzled, looks at the photo, then says "Are you crazy?! This is a profile picture! Of course you can only see one of his eyes! Get out of here!"

So the chief calls in the second applicant and gives him the same photo. The applicant says, "The suspect only has one ear!"

The chief blows up "Has nobody ever heard of a profile picture! Get out of here!"

He calls in the third applicant and says, "Now, before you say anything, I want you to think very carefully ... what can you tell me about this suspect?"

The third applicant studies the photo intensely for a few moments, then says, "This man wears contact lenses."

The chief is taken aback. He excuses himself and goes to look at the suspect's file, where he is pleasantly surprised to discover that the suspect does wear contact lenses. He returns to the interview room and says, "You're right ... but how could you tell from this photo that the suspect wears contact lenses?"

The applicant replies: "Well, he can't wear regular glasses since he only has one eye and one ear!"