This is a repository for various short puns that I've come across ... thanks to Neil, Paul, Chip, Ray, Rusty and other LJ and FaceBook buds for their input.
| "It's raining cats and dogs," one man remarked. "I know," said another. "I just stepped into a poodle." (This was my dad's favorite joke to tell us kids, so it's apropriate to start off with it!) |
| 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down. |
| A backward poet writes inverse. |
| A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. |
| A boiled egg is hard to beat. |
| A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame. |
| A calendar's days are numbered. |
| A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. |
| A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. |
| A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell." The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below. The same two guys walk by. The first asks, "Do you know him?" The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday." |
| A cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher. |
| A critic declared that he always praised the first show of a new theatrical season. "Who am I," he asked, "to stone the first cast?" |
| A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail. |
| A dyslexic man walks into a bra ... |
| A farmer with relatives in East Germany heard that a food package he had sent had never arrived. Optimistically, he assured them, "Cheer up! The wurst is yet to come." |
| A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at the game. |
| A garden hose may look like a penis, but one glans will show there's a vas deferens. |
| A hen stopped right in the middle of the highway. She wanted to lay it on the line. |
| A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. |
| A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks "Why the long face?" The next day, Celine Dion walks into the same bar, the bartender asks "Hey, weren't you here yesterday?" |
| A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." |
| A lion tamer is walking a lion around downtown New York when he gets a call on his cell phone from the big cat's owner. The owner is on the observation deck of the Empire State Building, and wants the tamer to bring the lion up so it can see the city. On the ride up in the elevator, the animal becomes frightened, and attacks the tamer, mauling him severely. When they get off, the owner says to the tamer: "Boy, you look awful!" The tamer replies: "I'll tell you one thing, chief, I'm not taking this lion down!" |
| A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. |
| A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing his axe at the tree, when it shouted, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack paused and said, "And you will dialogue." |
| A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy! |
| A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. "That's one too many!" says the customer. The clerk replies, "It's a freebie." |
| A lycanthrope transforms in front of his friend for the first time. "Oh my god," says the friend, "you just turned into a wolf." "Yes," he replies, "I am a were." |
| A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor!! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." |
| A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." |
| A plateau is a high form of flattery. |
| A pony was giving a speech in a lecture hall. A man in the back told him to speak up because he couldn't hear. The pony replied: "You'll have to excuse me -- I'm a little horse". |
| A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them and asks, "What is this, some kind of joke?" |
| A skeleton walks into a bar, and orders a beer and a mop. |
| A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So I returned it to the store and they gave me another one free of charge. |
| A talkative musician couldn't hold a job. Every time he opened his mouth, he put his flute in it. |
| A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on. |
| A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal. |
| A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. |
| A truck loads with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours. |
| A Turkish salesman promoted an audience with an old-time sultan. "I don't recall your name," said the sultan pleasantly, "but your fez is familiar." |
| A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." |
| A waist is a terrible thing to mind. |
| Acupuncture: a jab well done |
| After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: "All 40 accounted for." "But I only have 36 sheep," says the farmer. "I know," says the sheepdog. "But I rounded them up." |
| After your first child, your role in life will become apparent. |
| An eccentric bachelor passed away and left a nephew nothing but 392 clocks. The nephew is now busy winding up the estate. |
| An expensive laxative will give you a run for your money. |
| An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. |
| Any good fish puns out there? Let minnow!" |
| Any salad can be a Caesar salad, if you stab it enough. |
| Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up. Guess the two of us aren't going to work out. |
| Apparently you can't use "beefstew" as a password. It's not stroganoff. |
| Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers. |
| Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. |
| Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too. |
| Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation. |
| Broken pencils are pointless. |
| Crushing pop cans is soda pressing. |
| Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. |
| Did you hear about the boy trapped in the giant origami status? They're waiting for details as it unfolds. |
| Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? |
| Did you hear about the day-long sale on paddles at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal! |
| Did you hear about the explosion at the French cheese factory? Nothing left but de Brie. |
| Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. |
| Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway. |
| Did you hear about the man with five penises? His pants fit him like a glove. |
| Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines! |
| Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out. |
| "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual." |
| Doctor: I'm sorry, but I had to remove your colon. Me Why? |
| Dogs cannot operate MRI scanners, but catscan. |
| Don't run with bagpipes. You could put an eye out, or worse, get kilt. |
| Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last. |
| Egotist: a man who's always me-deep in conversation. |
| Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too. |
| Electricians have to strip to make ends meet. |
| England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. |
| English puns make me feel numb, but math puns make me feel number. |
| Espresso may not be the answer, but it's worth a shot. |
| Ever eaten a clock? It's very time-consuming. Especially if you go back for seconds. |
| Every morning I plan to make pancakes, but I keep waffling. |
| Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus, we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. |
| Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea -- one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large, mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day, he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, so lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out & see me again." Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed ... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn Again, Christian." |
| Fishermen are reel men. |
| Glass coffins ... will they be popular? Remains to be seen. |
| Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine. |
| Green is my favorite color. I like it better than blue and yellow combined. |
| Has COVID-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time? If so, you may be entitled to condensation. |
| Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. |
| Having a rude waiter at an Ethiopian restaurant just adds insult to injera. |
| Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. |
| He broke into song because he couldn't find the key. |
| He had a photographic memory which was never developed. |
| Hipsters love Raiders of the Lost Ark because it was the first Indie film. |
| Holy Shrimp! This scampi happening! |
| How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard. |
| How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke? It's fully groan. |
| How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. |
| I always write my name in cursive. It's my signature move! |
| I asked my North Korean friend how it was there. He said he couldn't complain. |
| I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat. She said it rang a bell but she didn't know if it was there or not. |
| I ate too much middle eastern food. Now I falafel. |
| I began reading a horror novel in braille. Something bad is about to happen -- I can feel it. |
| I bought shoes from a drug dealer once. I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day. |
| I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes. |
| I can tell someone is judgmental just by looking at them. |
| I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off. |
| I can't count how many times I failed math at school. |
| I can't remember the name of that narrow pointy boat ... canoe? |
| I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. |
| I could tell you a story about my IKEA furniture, but it takes too long to set up. Actually, I haven't been in a furniture store in two years because I've had 0 interest for 24 months. |
| I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. |
| I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. |
| I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. |
| I didn't mean to push all your buttons. I was just looking for mute. |
| I don't know why anyone would call vegans annoying. I, for one, have never had any beef with them. |
| I don't think I need a spine. It's holding me back. |
| I don't mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line. |
| I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. |
| I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. |
| I got a rejection in the mail from the origami school today. I'm not sure what to make of it. |
| I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. |
| I got an email from Google saying, "At Google Earth, we are able to read maps backwards!" and I thought, that's just spam! |
| I grew up just a stone's throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries. |
| I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tire and then roll me down a hill. They were goodyears. |
| I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves. |
| I have a fear of elevators, but I've started taking steps to avoid it. |
| I have a fear of speed bumps. I'm slowly getting over it. |
| I have a joke about communism, but it's better if I share it with everybody. |
| I have a Russian friend who’s a sound engineer. And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too. |
| I have a step ladder. Obviously, it's not my real ladder. |
| I haven't slept for three days. That would be too long. |
| I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. |
| I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix. |
| I met a girl with 12 nipples. Sounds funny, dozen tit. |
| I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform ... straightaway, I knew he was a keeper. |
| I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there. |
| I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes. |
| I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my property over the weekend, my neighbor is dead against it. |
| I really wanted to buy a house on a frozen lake but it fell through at the last minute. |
| I relapsed in my addiction to hayrides, but they're so dangerous ... I really fell off the wagon. |
| I saw an ad that said "Radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on maximum." I thought, "I can't turn that down." |
| I should get a job in a mirror factory. I can really see myself working there. |
| I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. |
| I stole his muffler . . . boy, am I exhausted. |
| I thought about becoming a vegetarian, but then I realized it would be a missed steak. |
| I took organic chemistry in college and it gave me alkynes of trouble. |
| I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. |
| I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. |
| I used to be a shoe salesman until they gave me the boot. |
| I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid but my parents told me the sky was the limit. |
| I wanted to make a joke about sodium, but Na ... |
| I wanted to watch the world origami championships on TV, but it was only on paper view. |
| I was addicted to soap ... but I'm clean now. And then I became addicted to the hokey pokey ... but I turned myself around. And then I became addicted to brake fluid ... but I can stop anytime. And then I thought I had gotten over my addiction to hayrides, which are so dangerous ... I really fell off the wagon. |
| I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9. The odds were against me. |
| I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time. |
| I was having trouble putting on my seatbelt, but then sudenly it clicked. |
| I was injured in a peekaboo accident, so I was taken to the ICU. |
| I was the first person to install trampolines on musicians' tour buses, but now everyone is jumping on the bandwagon. |
| I was watching an Australian food show and the audience clapped when the chef made meringue. I was surprised, as Australians normally boo meringue. |
| I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind. |
| I went to a bed and breakfast in France but I had to leave, because I felt it was haunted. It really gave me the crepes. |
| I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a mussel. |
| I went to an archaeology party recently where they were only looking for remains of a lower leg. It was a real shindig. |
| I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. |
| I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, "Can you describe the symptoms?" I replied, "Sure. They're yellow, Homer's fat, and Marge has blue hair." |
| I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. |
| I would tell you a chemistry joke, but I know it wouldn't get a reaction. |
| If I worked at a sperm bank, every time someone walked in, I'd sneer, "Get a load of this guy." |
| I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y. |
| I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down! |
| If life throws you melons, you might be dyslexic. |
| If there are two flies in a kitchen, which one is the cowboy? The one on the range. |
| If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know. |
| I was a bookkeeper for 10 years. The local library wasn't too happy about it. |
| If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. |
| If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable? |
| If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory. |
| If you want a job in the moisturizer industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily. |
| If you're ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns ... fight back. Go for the juggler. |
| I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. |
| In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. |
| In ancient Palestine, there was a group of traveling actors who went from village to village entertaining the people. In one small village, the only son of one of the village elders was attracted to this life, and ran away with the actors when they moved on. When the boy's absence was noticed, the people pursued the actors, and cornered them among the rocks. The villagers picked up rocks and were preparing to throw them at the actors, but were unable to generate the nerve to start until the village chief pushed the boy's father forward, saying ... "Let he who is without son stone the cast first!" |
| In his dessert list, a San Antonio restaurateur suggests, "Remember the ala mode." |
| In Peru, a gallant cavalier fished a drowning maiden out of a lake -- and married her before the Inca was dry. |
| Is there a cure for sex addiction? I've tried fucking everything! |
| In the ancient cattle kingdom, two cows, Duke Udder and Duke Moo, were chewing the cud in the court. Duke Moo made a joke over an obscure reference that Duke Udder didnt catch. Duke Udder asked for a hint at the meaning. King Cow walked by and interjected, "You mean you want one clue over the Duke Moos jest?" |
| It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. |
| It's not that the man didn't know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. |
| It's a lengthy article on Japanese Sword Fighters but I can Samurais it for you. |
| It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they always take things literally. |
| I've got some racing geese for sale. Let me know if you want a quick gander. |
| Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine. |
| John had a new dog, but he didn't want to deal with puppies so he got her fixed. However, somehow the gal still got pregnant, and even had identical twins! The media loved it and soon she was a celebrity. John wrote a book about her titled, Two Dachshunds in One: A Spayed Oddity. |
| Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. |
| Jokes about unemployed people are not funny. They just don't work. |
| Know what's blue and doesn't weigh very much? Light blue. |
| Lady Guinevere and Sir Lancelot have a big argument and Guinevere tells Lancelot she never wants to seen him again. Lancelot is so depressed he goes down to the local tavern to drown his misery by drinking some ale. Guinevere realizes the argument was silly and decides to find Lancelot and apologize. She sees his horse outside the tavern and goes in. A local man who is just leaving, recognizes Guinevere, and says to her: "What's a knight's girl like you doing in a place like this?" |
| Last night me and my husband watched three movies back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV. |
| Last year I went on a ballooning vacation. I put on 40 pounds! |
| Lif is too short. |
| Local man was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun. Surgeons say he's now fully recovered. Yes, that was riveting. |
| Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon. |
| Me and my recliner go way back. |
| Mountains aren't just funny, they're hill areas. |
| My boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people. |
| My brother the electrician got a sex change ... now he's my transistor. |
| My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate. |
| My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower. He has serious selfie steam issues. |
| My friend keeps saying, "Cheer up, man, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well. |
| My grandfather survived pepper spray and mustard gas attacks in two wars ... and came home to us a seasoned veteran. |
| My husband kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry ... "I'll return." |
| My husband told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. |
| My husband tripped and dropped the basket of laundry he had just ironed. I watched it all unfold. |
| My local baker who was famous for his generously-sized cream cakes has retired. I was thinking of taking his place but those are big chouxs to fill. |
| My math teacher called me average. How mean. |
| My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta. |
| My mom went to a psychic and broke the psychic's crystal ball. Cost her a fortune! |
| My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum. |
| My roommates are concerned that I'm using their kitchen utensils, but that's a whisk I'm willing to take. |
| My son told me he didn't understand cloning. I told him, "That makes two of us." |
| My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me ... or at least sew its seams. |
| My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine. |
| My therapist says I can get over my fear of buffets, but first I've got to want to help myself. |
| My trainer is a professional bodybuilder. His whole life revolves around bodybuilding. In fact, do you know his favorite movie? Fifty Shakes of Whey. But then he was killed when a fire broke out in the gym. Staff tried to escort him out, but he wanted to feel the burn. |
| My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I'm on the fence. |
| My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, "What's wrong? " She screamed, "These contractions are going to kill me!" "I am sorry, honey," I replied. "What is wrong?" |
| Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. |
| "Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?" "Yes ... it's a moving violation." |
| On the other hand, you have different fingers. |
| One fifth of people are just two tense. |
| People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician. |
| People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box. |
| People who cannot tell the difference between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I cannot put into words. |
| People who live in Athens hate getting up early .. because dawn is tough on Greece. |
| Photons never need a bellhop since they are always traveling light. |
| Plastic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now, you can talk all you want about botox, and nobody raises an eyebrow. |
| PMS jokes aren't funny; period. |
| Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. |
| Q: What do you call a man with a rubber toe? A: Ruberto |
| Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. |
| She was unanimously voted the most popular girl in school by the male half of the senior class. The weighed her in the balance and found her wanton. |
| Shopping for antiques won't make you gay, but it might make you buy curios. |
| Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. |
| Smith was a heating and cooling technician. His assistant was a small chimpanzee he had trained to do all the duct work. The chimp had no fear of heights or confined spaces, and besides, he didn't have to be paid. One day, Smith got a call from a customer who said his air conditioner had broken down. Smith went over and discovered some defective ducting. The customer asked if it would be hard to fix. "No problem," replied Smith, "I have a little duct ape that will take care of it!" |
| Since hockey has been canceled, the Zamboni driver has gone missing. But I am sure he will resurface eventually. |
| So sad! My yoga instructor is being sent to prison for fraud. She has to do a five-year stretch. |
| So what if I don't know what apocalypse means!? It's not the end of the world! |
| Someone once accused me of stealing an old, rare, valuable stamp, and I philately denied it. |
| Sometimes I like to dress as an 18th Century Nun and watch Bruce Willis movies. Old habits, die hard. |
| The ancient Romans gathered only once a week. That was enough forum. |
| The baseball pitcher with a sore arm was in the throws of agony. |
| The commuter's Volkswagen went down once too often. So he consigned it to the Old Volks Home. |
| The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge. |
| The dead batteries were given out free of charge. |
| The difference between a well-dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle is a tire. |
| The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault. |
| The Energizer Bunny was arrested recently and charged with battery. |
| The Eskimo stabbed himself with an icicle. He died of cold cuts. |
| The fastest way to quit being Vegan is cold turkey. |
| The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. |
| The husband of a talkative wife sighed, "I've given that woman the best ears of my life." |
| The jockey saw the horse groom sprinkling something behind his horse's neck. "What's that?" asked the jockey. "It's yeast", answered the groom. "This will discourage birds from mistakenly building nests in your horse's beautiful mane." "Will that really work?" asked the jockey. "Of course!" replied the groom, "for yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet." |
| The LEGO store is finally reopening. People are lining up for blocks. |
| The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner -- there were strings attached. |
| The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. |
| The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it. |
| The person who invented the door knocker won the No-bell prize. |
| The pig stopped sunbathing because he was bacon in the heat. |
| The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. |
| The rotation of Earth really makes my day. |
| The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. |
| The self-deprecation society is taking new members. I've already put myself down. |
| The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. |
| The wise old crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He wanted to make a long-distance caw. |
| There are good cheese puns and bad cheese puns. Between them there's a gruyerea. |
| There was an advice-to-the-lovelorn editor who insisted, "If at first you don't succeed, try a little ardor." |
| There was an unscheduled event in a Baghdad harem. The sultan barged in unexpectedly - and his 62 wives let out a terrified sheikh. |
| There's a fine line between numerator and denominator, but only a fraction of people will find this funny. |
| They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. |
| Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking. |
| This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. |
| This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise." |
| This woman ordered an exotic snake through a mail order operation. When the package arrived, there were only feathery necklaces in the box. Apparently, the boa cons tricked her. |
| Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. |
| Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. |
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To the guy who stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy now. To the guy who stole my Viagra, you can go get fucked. To the guy who stole my Viagra, I hope your life is harder than it was. To the guy who stole my Snickers, I hope you're satisfied. To the guy who stole my uppers, how do you sleep at night?! To the guy who hacked my Microsoft Account: I will find you and I will kill you. You have my word! To the hunk who stole my pace maker. You made my heart skip a beat. To the guy who stole my anxiety meds ... you need to relax. To the guy who stole my Adderall.... I hope... Wha.. was I doin'? To the little shit who took my laxatives, I just don't give a crap. To the guy who stole my cyanide, drop dead. To the guy who stole my treadmill ... yeah ... you better keep running. |
| Turning vegan would be a big missed steak. |
| Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. |
| Two birds are sitting on a perch. One says "do you smell something fishy?" |
| Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?" |
| Two Catholics went to a therapist to discuss their addiction to cats. |
| Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy. |
| Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again you can't have your kayak and heat it too. |
| Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!" |
| Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "I'm positive." |
| Two leftover bits of pizza were taken out to the trash behind the restaurant. Lying with the other refuse, one said to the other, do you think well ever get out alive? The second responded, are you kidding me, all we are is crust in the bin. |
| Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. |
| Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?" |
| Velcro - what a rip off! |
| Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! |
| We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply. |
| Well, to be Frank, I'd have to change my name. |
| We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. |
| What are the two sexiest farm animals? Brown chicken, brown cow. |
| What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? Athesaurus. |
| What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. |
| What do you call a magician who has lost their magic? Ian. |
| What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? |
| What do you mean I'm not a bear? I have all of the koalifications! |
| What genre are national anthems? Country. |
| What if there were no hypothetical questions? |
| What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. |
| What's brown and sticky? A stick! |
| What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway) |
| When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. |
| When a fire chief responded to a call from a lingerie shop, he found no trace of a blaze. His official report read, "Falsie alarm." |
| When chemists die, if they can't helium or curium, they barium. |
| When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate. |
| When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on. |
| When interviewing to be a waiter, I said, "I think I bring a lot to the table." |
| When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. |
| When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder. |
| When the promoter of a big flower show was told that a postponement was necessary because the exhibits could not be installed on time, he explained to his backers, "We were simply caught with our plants down." |
| When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A. |
| When you get a bladder infection urine trouble. |
| When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. |
| Where did the hacker go? I don't know, he ransomware. |
| Which weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane? A gallon water, since butane is a lighter fluid. |
| Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? |
| Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. |
| With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. |
| With so many sports events canceled, they're going to televise the World Origami Championship. It's on Paperview. |
| Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire. |
| Working in a mirror factory is something I could totally see myself doing. |
| Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside. |
| Yesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down." |
| You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. |
| You can tell an ant's gender by putting it in water. If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant. |
| You hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? |