(Black screen. Words in white appear.)
FBI NOTICE: ALL MODELS ARE OVER 21
(Words fade, pause, and are then replaced by other words)
WAAAAY OVER 21
(Words fade, pause, replaced by other words)
NO FOOLING! THE LAST TIME SOME OF THESE MODELS WERE 21, CARTER WAS PRESIDENT AND ABBA RULED THE DISCOS
(Words fade. The ABBA song "Waterloo" starts playing on the chorus word "Waterloo", then fades away after a few seconds. Other words appear)
WHO ARE WE KIDDING? THESE ARE NOT 'MODELS'
(Words fade, replaced by other words)
THESE ARE NOT EVEN ACTORS
(Twangy porno music starts playing in background Words fade, replaced by other words)
THESE ARE AUTHENTIC HOT BEEFY MUSCLEY BURLY HUNKY BEAR STUDS, STARRING IN
(Title credits over scenes of Palm Springs background: palm trees, main street, shops, etc.)
HAIRY PALM SPRINGS DESERT DISCO BEAR HOT TUB SEX PARTY 2001
(Word on screen.)
FEATURING
(All shots of participants appear to be taken from the middle of some sort of sexy scene. Since all you see is their heads and bare shoulders, you don't know what kind of scene it is. Some are leering, some have their eyes closed, some appear to be on their back, some in the pool or hot tub. Some have feet or other body parts briefly appear in scene, so the viewer has no idea what is happening. Viewers should think these scenes come from sex scenes to come.)
(Words appear on screen to identify each actor.)
BOLT UPRIGHT
TUCK MANLEY
BUCK STEEL
RIP D. TROUSERS
SLICK HUMMER
HARRY POMZ
(More scenes of Palm Springs. Words appear on screen.)
PARTS OF THIS FILM MAY HAVE BEEN EDITED DUE TO LOCAL STANDARDS OF GOOD TASTE
(Porno music fades out. Fade in on BOLT and TUCK, carrying luggage from their car to door of Desert Bear resort.)
BOLT: This looks like a good place. Sexy and all.
TUCK: I already feel hungry for ... you know.
BOLT: You know? Hungry for what?
TUCK: You know.
BOLT: No, what?
TUCK: A good, long bratwurst ... and two hard-boiled eggs.
BOLT: We just ate breakfast an hour ago!
TUCK: Well, maybe a shag then.
(Cut to BOLT and TUCK in their room. BOLT is feeling the carpet.)
BOLT: I don't know, this looks more like Berber.
(Cut to establishing shot of pool area, then BUCK and RIP in hot tub)
BUCK: Did you see those hot bears who just checked in? Whoarrr! Whoarr!
RIP: Whores? Did you just call them whores?
BUCK: No, I said "Whoarr!" You know, I was leering, verbally. I mean, they look sexy and stuff.
RIP: I like the French verbal leer ... 'hanh hahn hahn!' No one mistakes that for calling someone a whore!
BUCK: I like that. Hahn hahn hahn!
RIP: Hahn hahn hahn!
BUCK: So ... are you French?
RIP: Am I French? My friends call me Mr. French!
BUCK: Because of your fondness for Sebastian Cabot, the butler on 'Family Affair'?
RIP: No, because I like to --
(ABRUPT CUT to BOLT and TUCK's room.)
TUCK (looking through window): There's some naked bears out in the hot tub.
BOLT: Maybe we should get naked ourselves.
TUCK: I like that idea.
(Twangy porno music starts up. The two men sexily start taking off each other's shirts, rubbing each others' arms and chests. Then they look around, annoyed.)
BOLT: That music is SO annoying!
(TUCK reaches off-camera and fiddles about.)
TUCK: How about this?
("Dancing Queen" starts playing, and the two men start doing "The Hustle".)
(Cut to the hot tub, where BUCK and RIP are leering at each other.)
BUCK: You know what? You're one hot bear!
RIP: Sure am! You are too!
BUCK: No kidding! It must be 110 degrees here in Palm Springs in August ... what are we doing in a hot tub? ... Gee, I'm powerfully thirsty ...
RIP: I've got something that will wet your whistle ...
BUCK: Ooo ... is it long and hard ...
RIP: I think you'll find it satisfies you ... deep inside.
BUCK: Ooo, baby ... give it to me. I need it. I'm ready to take it ... all.
(Twangy porno music starts playing as the two men look at each other and leer for about 10 seconds. Finally, RIP reaches over and gets a big glass of ice water from off-camera, and gives it to BUCK, who drinks it down. The porno music stops, and the two look up, a little embarrassed..)
(Cut to BOLT and TUCK's room, where they are peering out through the curtains.)
BOLT: Did you see him get that down? He's been around the block, I tell ya.
TUCK: Or, at least, nearby.
BOLT: Well, I think I'm going to go get in the hot tub.
TUCK: I'll join you as soon as I unpack.
BOLT: Why you brought five suitcases to a weekend at a nudist resort, I'll never know.
(Bolt wraps a towel around his middle and exits.)
(Wide shot of BOLT striding toward hot tub, then cut to BUCK and RIP watching as BOLT slips into tub.)
BOLT: Hi guys.
(Pause.)
BUCK: Woof!
RIP: Woof!
BOLT: Grrr!
RIP: Woof!
BUCK: Grrr!
BOLT: Woof!
RIP: Woof!
BUCK: Grrr!
BOLT: Woof!
RIP: Woof! Woof!
BUCK: Grrr! Grrr!
BOLT: Woof! Grrr! Woof!
(Pause.)
BOLT: I feel like I've known you guys forever!
(Cut to TUCK exiting room. Medium shot of swimming pool. He dives in and comes up, bumping into SLICK in the pool.)
SLICK: Heyyyy!
TUCK: Oh no, I didn't mean to bump into you!
SLICK: Hey! That almost could have hurt!
TUCK (realizing SLICK is a sexy bear): Ooo ... how could I make it up to you? Make you feel better?
SLICK (leering): I know how you could make me feel REAL good ...
(Twangy porno music starts playing as the two men eye each other and leer for about 5 seconds).
(Music dies)
SLICK: You could say you're sorry, ya jerk!
(Cut to BUCK, RIP, and BOLT looking over from the hot tub.)
TUCK: I'm sorry.
SLICK: I should give you a good spanking!
TUCK: Well, it is my birthday.
SLICK: Is it? How old?
TUCK: Well, let me put it this way ... the last time I saw 21, Carter was president and ABBA ruled the discos.
SLICK: I remember reading something about that!
(Cut to BOLT, BUCK and RIP in hot tub. Twangy porno music starts playing. Close-ups of all three, long shots, medium shots, as they leer at one another.)
(Music softens.)
BUCK: Where do you think that music is coming from?
RIP: At the 550 resort, they play an oldies station!
BOLT: I prefer oldies. That's why I like the men in Palm Springs!
(Cut to swimming pool, where TUCK is massaging SLICK's shoulders from behind.)
TUCK: You like that, don't ya. Don't ya.
SLICK: Yeah, that feels good. Don't stop. Don't ever stop!
(Cut to shot of clock, then back to men in pool.)
TUCK (hoarse): Please! Can I stop? Just let me get some rest! My hands are numb!
SLICK: Well, OK. I'll let you stop if you give me a kiss.
TUCK: I can't kiss you ... I'm straight.
(Pause, then both men break out laughing.)
(In hot tub, the watching BOLT, RIP and BUCK break out laughing as well.)
(Shots of palm trees, the resort, etc., then to all five men in the hot tub.)
RIP: How long are you guys staying?
BOLT: Just until Sunday. It's Tuck's birthday tomorrow.
BUCK: Ooo, he'll need to be spanked then.
RIP: Hahn hahn hahn!
SLICK (to RIP): Oh, are you French?
TUCK: I'm Greek.
BUCK: They have the hottest men in Greece.
BOLT: I've seen hot men covered in grease.
RIP: The wrestlers do that in Turkey.
SLICK: They do what?
RIP: They grease themselves up.
SLICK: The turkeys?
RIP: In Greece.
BOLT: We do a couple of those at Thanksgiving. We've got a big fryer on the patio.
BUCK: Do they flame up?
RIP: No, those wrestlers are very macho.
(Pause, as everyone looks puzzled.)
TUCK: I don't know about you, but I'm famished.
BOLT: I'm hungry too.
(Twangy porno music starts as the bears leer at each other hungrily.)
(Longer shot, to show HARRY is in the hot tub as well.)
HARRY: Hey, let's go get something to eat!
BOLT (puzzled): Who are you?
HARRY: I'm Harry.
RIP: N'duh! (since Harry is, of course, hairy)
TUCK: What do you do, Harry?
HARRY: I'm in software.
BOLT: I'm a programmer.
SLICK: Database administrator.
BUCK: Systems analyst.
TUCK: Computer architecture.
RIP: Network administrator.
(Pause.)
BOLT: Another reason I like to coming to Palm Springs, you meet people of so many different backgrounds.
(Pause.)
TUCK: I'm getting waterlogged. Let's go out and see the city!
(Montage of seeing Palm Springs, shopping, walking, eating, drinking, etc. Incongruous music plays in the background: "Sunshine and lollipops, rainbows everywhere ...", etc. This can go on for as many minutes as we have film footage.)
(Shot of men returning to Desert Bear.)
BUCK: Whew! I'm bushed!
BOLT: Say, what doesn't everyone come over to our place in a few minutes for birthday cake?
HARRY: I can't eat cake. Do you have any other pastries?
(BOLT and TUCK look at one another.)
TUCK: We have hot buns.
SLICK: Great, we'll be there.
TUCK: Wear your birthday suits!
(Cut to BOLT and TUCK's room. Twangy porno music starts again as they start to take off their clothes. Cut to nighttime outside shot of other men entering their room, seemingly nude. Seems like the movie is finally going to get dirty ...)
(Words appear on black background as "Mnah Mnah" plays in background.)
GRATUITOUS BIRTHDAY CAKE-EATING SCENE DELETED FOR DIETARY REASONS
(Cut to interior of BOLT and TUCK's room, with men strewn about post-coitally.)
TUCK: Man, that was sweet!
BOLT: I'm stuffed!
RIP: Satisfying!
HARRY: I couldn't eat another bite!
BUCK: My tongue has had quite a workout!
(Pause.)
SLICK: We ARE still talking about the birthday cake, right?
(Cut to TUCK, who slaps his hand against his forehead.)
BOLT: Last one in the pool stays dry!
(Everyone rushes out and jumps in the pool. Camera freezes on the bare bottom of the last one out of the as room, as words appear on screen.)
THE END
(Fade to black, After long pause, announcer voice starts up.)
FROM THE MAKERS OF HAIRY PALM SPRINGS DESERT DISCO BEAR HOT TUB SEX PARTY 2001, COMES A STORY OF A FAIRY-TALE KINGDOM ... CALLED 'THE CASTRO'
(Word appears in "Shrek" typeface)
SHRIEK
RIP (flapping hands): EEK!
(Black out.)